Category: leadership

Saying “No” Paves the Way for a Fulfilling “Yes

The author discusses the importance of saying ‘no’, emphasizing that every ‘yes’ inevitably entails a trade-off, meaning a ‘no’ to something else. They underscore the need for intentional decision-making and recognizing the full cost of commitments. As a useful New Year’s resolution, they propose figuring out what matters most and articulating these trade-offs, to prioritize more fulfilling ‘yeses’.

It’s easy to say, ‘yes’.

The words just roll off your tongue and land in the air between you and the person who is asking something of you. 

Yes, I can help. Yes, I can jump onto the call. Yes, I can bake those cookies. Yes, I can join that team. Yes, I can do that after school pick-up. Yes, I can squeeze that into my day. 

It makes us feel good (and important and accomplished) and it makes the person asking something of us feel happy. Which makes us feel even better. 

It’s hard to say ‘no’. It feels risky. 

You risk missing out, you risk disappointing someone, but most of all you risk missing out on how you should actually be spending your time.

For many years, I didn’t realize that every ‘yes’ had a trade-off. 

Instead, I wondered why I felt so busy. I couldn’t figure out why my hours at work and at home never seemed to be enough. What I didn’t realize was that every ‘yes’, meant a ‘no’ to something else. And vice versa. That every ‘no’ (even when it feels hard!), can actually allow for a more meaningful, fulfilling, and intentional “yes”. 

Once I made this connection, it was transformative. 

When I served as a pastor and ministry lead, I often reminded my supervisor (which I am not sure he loved!) that every ‘yes’ I said, actually meant a ‘no’ to someone else. Or a lesser, diminished ‘yes’ to another project. There are trade-offs to every ‘yes’. 

Sure, I can attend that brainstorming meeting. But it means that I won’t be able to meet a congregant for coffee. Yes, I can be in charge of baptisms and run the classes. But, it means that redeveloping the Small Group’s website will take longer. Of course, I can write that devotional. But, it means that I have one less hour for my own team development. 

Sometimes, we aren’t sure what the exact trade-offs are. But, if you can articulate the trade-off, you can start making better decisions, take better risks, and prioritize your days for more fulfilling ‘yeses’. 

As we stand a the starting line of a new year (hello, 2024!), don’t let my mistakes be yours. 

This year, instead of creating new goals or resolutions that will fall by the wayside soon, what if we look at what we can say ‘no’ to so that we can say our better ‘yes’?

Of course, it’s easier said than done. 

Here are some resources to help you along in figuring out where to spend your time, what to say ‘yes’ to in 2024, and what to start saying ‘no’ to.

  1. Figure out what matters most. Kendra Adachi at the Lazy Genius Collective is a pro at this. Listen to her talk about how to name what matters here.
  2. Articulate the tradeoffs. Look at your calendar and your running to-do list. What is on your list that you never get to do? What do you wish was on your to-do list? What do your current ‘yeses ‘keep you from doing? What can you add to your Don’t List? Challenge yourself to choose at least one thing to not do in the New Year. 
  3. Learn more about your best yes! I am not the first person to talk about this idea.  Lysa TerKeurst wrote a whole book on the topic. Check it out here. 
  4. Let me help you. If you feel stuck, or don’t know how to articulate the trade-offs, I would love to help you. Shoot me an email here and we will schedule a call.  

 

Everyone wants to be part of a winning team.

I remember when the Jacksonville Jaguars nearly went to the Superbowl.  I don’t even particularly enjoy football and I was swept up in the excitement, the anticipation, and the hope of the big win.    The city came together, people bought shirts, put on bumper stickers, and had signs in their yards. Something about the idea of coming out on top, being the best, and winning exhilarated and united us.  It feels good to be part of a winning team.

Do you lead a winning team?
Do your volunteers have a sense of collective excitement?  
Do they get swept up and engaged as they work together towards the winning point?    

Here are some things to think about as you create ways for your team to win together.

1 – Define the “win”.

Does everyone know what the win would actually be?  

If you don’t define it, team members will come up with their own.  You will find people working towards different end goals – causing an overall loss of momentum and conflicting energy.

Make sure the win is clearly stated and easy to understand.  You shouldn’t need to spend an hour in training to ensure everyone understands what you are trying to do and what their role should be.

What is the ONE thing you want to see happen on your team that means everyone has been successful?  It doesn’t mean that you can’t ask your volunteers to do other things too, it just means that everyone should understand that this one thing is a priority.  

2 – Talk about the “win” more than you think you should.

Andy Stanley says, “Vision leaks”.  And he’s right.  

Repeat the “win” in as many different ways and environments as possible. 

When asking someone to join your team, use this language as part of your ask.  When thinking about your training, define the win.  When you send emails to remind people of their schedule, re-share the story of why they are part of the team.  You will feel as though you are talking about the goal too much, but you aren’t.  You are most likely the only one who is constantly thinking about your team and what they are working towards accomplishing.

You are the one who can keep the vision and the “win” in front of the team.

3 – Share stories of winning.

What gets celebrated, gets replicated.  

With that in mind, make sure that the things you are celebrating are the actual things you want to see happen again in your organization or team.  

Share stories of how the team is winning via email, social media, newsletters, training, and in person.  Handwrite a card thanking your volunteers and point out the way you saw them winning. Publically give awards or prizes to volunteers who are accomplishing the win, and make sure to highlight the story of how they “won” in that particular way.      

Sharing a story helps you not simply tell someone what the “win” looks like, but to show them.  It gives the vision feet and legs to stand upon and allows your team to understand what a real, life version of winning might look like and then they can emulate it.

Think about the teams you are leading.

Can everyone clearly articulate the goal? 

If not, spend some time this week defining the “win”, planning how to share it in multiple communication streams, and how you will celebrate it. It’s more fun to be part of a team that’s winning – help your team understand how to win and keep celebrating it. 

Servant Leadership.

I’ve worked with multiple leaders over the years, but there are two that stand out for me as servant leaders.  They were the ones leading both out front and from behind.  

I specifically remember one leader routinely jumping in at the end of our weekly event to stack chairs, throw away the trash, and pack away all our lighting equipment.  The other leader I’m thinking about would often quietly shrug on an orange vest and could be found greeting in the parking lot before preaching.  Often new guests would be surprised to find out that he was actually the pastor!  It wasn’t the only thing they did and certainly wasn’t all the time.  However, when they were able, they made the intentional choice to lead by serving in what could be seen as “lesser” roles: clean up and parking. And these seemingly small, simple, choices set the culture for staff, leaders, and volunteers.   

These conscious choices created a ripple effect:

1 – Increased buy-in and camaraderie from volunteers

It’s tempting to imagine that the Superbowl of Sunday morning is the preaching, while the menial jobs can be outsourced to less important people. And while it might be natural to think about ranking the roles on a Sunday morning from greater to lesser, these intentional choices to serve erased all rankings. Instead, all jobs were vital and needed to be completed. 

In the same way that a household must have certain tasks done daily to run smoothly, a church has a variety of jobs that must be done.  No one in the family is too important to take out the trash, do the dishes, clean up spills, and change the baby’s diapers.  Imagine telling your spouse, “I’m more of an idea person…so I’ll be opting out of the lesser tasks in our home”. It probably wouldn’t go over very well. Rather, everyone pitches in when they see a need.  In the same way, the leader jumped in wherever the need was greatest.    

As the leaders served alongside the volunteers, it contributed to a “We’re all in this together” mentality.  Rather than feeling as though they were working “for” this leader or organization, it felt as though they were working “with” them.  It’s always more fun to work together towards a common goal and to feel as though your work is seen, valued, and needed.  

2 – Pulled in new volunteers

For better or worse, the senior leader is the most visible person in the organization.  The reality is that what this person gives their time and attention to signals importance and value.  Newcomers (or regular attenders) would see the leader serving alongside others and their interest would be piqued.  It would prime the pump, so to speak, for them to be asked about joining a team.

Their intentionality to serve also spoke volumes about the leader’s character and humility.  Even though they drove the vision of the organization, preached multiple services, and lead the staff team, they didn’t see themselves as being above doing some of the household jobs that needed to get done.  This, in turn, makes the ask to volunteer that much easier – you aren’t asking someone to do something that you won’t do yourself.  

Of course, it must be said that this isn’t possible in all areas of an organization.  In fact, the senior leader can not and should not have their hand in every part of the organization.  This isn’t an excuse for micromanagement.  They should be able to trust their leaders and staff and allow them to lead in their lanes. It’s simply a way to support, lead, and encourage those working on the front lines of an organization by coming alongside and serving as they are able.

I am reminded of an interview I heard between Andy Stanley and Frank Blake, former CEO of Home Depot. When reflecting on the turn around of Home Depot under his tenure as CEO, he credited two weekly tasks. The first was that he made time to put the iconic orange apron and walk the floor of Home Depot, interacting with customers, helping where he could, and getting a sense of the customer and employee’s experience on the ground level. The second was that he would spend time hand writing notes of appreciation to various store managers, corporate leaders, and store associates. He wanted to lead well from both the top and the bottom of the organization. He didn’t have to do either one of these things. In fact, I suspect his calendar would say he was too busy for either of them. However, looking back, he credited much of Home Depot’s success to the hour or two each week he spent on these seemingly “unimportant” tasks.

What would it look like to not only lead from the front of the organization, but from below, or the back?

Thinking about your week, where could you come alongside your volunteers or staff members to support, encourage, and serve in a new way?

Maybe it’s just 30 minutes or an hour out of your 40 hour week, but it could possibly become the most effective time you spend this week.

I see in you.

Four words that hold the power to move someone from the sidelines into the midst of what God is doing.  You are looking for the God-given gold in someone, a skillset, a leadership quality, or something simply worth celebrating about a person.  

I see in you this ability.
I see in you this passion.
I see in you this leadership quality.
I see in you this potential.
I see God in you when… 

With these four words, you get the sacred privilege to call out a gifting in order to send them into whatever God may have for them.
It might sound something like this, “Tom, you have an amazing laugh!  Every Sunday, I know it’s going to be a good day because you are so full of joy and have such an amazing sense of humor.  Would you pray about joining our greeting team?  Your joyful heart and laugh are so needed to help newcomers feel welcome and at ease”. 

Perhaps you are acknowledging a passion and the conversation may go something like this,  “Beth, when you pray for people without enough food, I see in you that God has really given you a true heart and compassion for them.  Have you thought about serving at the local food bank on Mondays?”

Maybe it sounds something like, “Elaine, I see you with your grown children and your grandchildren and I am always struck by how evident it is that every single one of them loves Jesus.  I see in you a gift for making faith simple and fun.  And your children and grandchildren are proof!  Have you ever considered sharing your gift with other families at our church?”

Or perhaps it looks like, “Wow!  Sarah…I see in you a gift for connecting and gathering other people.  You almost always have lunch plans on Sunday with someone new.  That is an incredible gift and one that some people just don’t have.  I would love to see you lead a small group this season.” 

Essentially, you are acknowledging a unique, God-given quality within a person.  You get the chance to affirm and build them up and celebrate this part of them.  And then invite them to participate in the life of the community by using that gift.  Many times, people don’t know they are gifted, don’t understand that not everyone can easily do the thing they naturally do, or don’t know that a community could be served by their particular gift.  

If you don’t know where to start, ask God.  He knows your congregation inside and out, better than you know them.  Ask Him to give you eyes to see and ears to hear.  Ask Him for the ability to supernaturally see giftings and temperaments, leadership qualities, and character traits. 

Stand in the back of the worship space on a Sunday and ask God to highlight someone to encourage and to call out their giftings so that you can call them into mission.  You might be surprised at who God highlights and how He can use that particular person.   

This week, ask God to give you the opportunity to have one ICNU conversation with someone.  Ask God for wisdom, knowledge, and insight into a person’s particular giftings and the words to call them out and into something bigger than themselves.

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Huge thanks to Dave Ferguson and Warren Bird, two leaders who first introduced me to the concept of ICNU.  Check out their book here.